|Now that I've reread this post it seems very sappy and whiny I apologize in advance.|
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."
There have been couple women in my relatively short life that I've loved with everything I had.
One of them is married to a man I introduced her to, he is good people. They have a child now. I couldn't be happier for them. I loved her but it was never meant to be. (The story "Letters Unsent" was written for her)
Another betrayed me so badly I didn't feel a thing when I heard she got hit by a car. (she lived, I'm not that big of an asshole)
The last one, as of right now, she is the one that got away. Except I'm the idiot that fucking left.
When we first broke up we didn't speak to each other for a while. It wasn't an easy break up for either of us. Eventually though we started talking again and then just over a year later we thought we would try and date again. Long distance this time because I was a jackass and moved. Things went well for a week or two, then it all came unglued.... The long distance just put too much stress on old wounds and eventually we just gave up.
We would still talk to each other every day. We would sit and do homework and chat back and forth. We were each others best friend. Whenever we could we would get together, between her having to drive through where I lived to visit her parents and me just randomly going up to see her, we would see each other once every couple months.
As with everything in life, nothing stays the same. We broke up just over 5 years ago. Which is odd because that is longer then we were actually together as a couple. (not by much) Now that time has done it's damage we only really talk to each other once every couple weeks and I haven't seen her in a couple months.
Last night however we chatted. I fucking hate the way emotions work.
In life and on here, I tend to pretend like I don't have a whole lot of fuzzy emotions, but this woman brings it out of me. We didn't even talk about anything important, just life and the new jobs we have. Just menial shit, but just talking to her brings back memories of her smile. I didn't even have to hear her voice, just reading the words made my heart jump.
It feels good to feel these things, but shitty all at the same time. It's bittersweet, because she has a boyfriend now. We have lives that are rooted in the cities we live in. We've grown so far apart. It sucks just watching it happen.
I wish life was like the movies, where I could just drive there and tell her I love her and have everything work out. The movies never take into account the logistics. The prince shows up to the princess and says I love you and they live happily ever after. What about the prince's job or the princess's? One of them is going to have to find a new one. What about lease agreements? Mortgage payments? Local Contracts? Family pressure? The cost of moving? It all adds up to what seems insurmountable. The more time passes the more insurmountable it gets.
I don't know what to do. It's been a long time; am I fucking crazy for still having feelings for this girl? I can't very well pour my heart out to her and expect what?
Why can't these feelings just go away? It would make my life so much fucking easier.
I'm sorry to dump all this out there I just had to get it out.