Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Now I know I do exist in a physical sense as in I can interact with physical objects and such but there is a small problem I keep running into,
technology has no idea I exist. Either that, or it is being a royal asshole and just ignoring me. I'm the guy that walks into automatic doors because they refuse to open for me. I have been known to go unnoticed by motion activated lights and automatic bathrooms are a nightmare.
I was using an auto flush toilet and before I was finished it decided that instead of a toilet what I actually needed was a beday. In case your eating while reading this that is as much detail as you get but it definitely put a damper on my day. Especially since, once I got ready to wash my hands, none of the taps would acknowledge me and actually turn on. Eventually I got one to work by waving toilet paper in front of the sensor. Why toilet paper you might ask. Well, because the fucking paper towel dispenser was also automatic and again ignored me. I eventually got it all figured out. I had someone else wave their hand in front of the paper towel dispenser so I could dry off my hands.
This isn't the end of it either. I recently acquired a tablet to replace my dead PC. I also have the same problem with my smart phone. Touch screens only work for me sometimes. Logging into my phone is a problem especially when it locks itself out for 30 minutes after enough tries. My tablet is just frustrating to use. I also have a problem using the touch screen in my sisters new car. I couldn't even adjust my own fucking climate control.
All of this I've been able to deal with, with surprising grace and only a handful of full blown tantrums. The problem seems to be getting worse. I block out wi-fi and cellular service. I'm not kidding, if I get too close to someone who has only a couple of bars on their phone, they will lose service completely. My phone only works to send and receive when it is far enough away from my body. I have to use hands free, but not bluetooth because, guess what, I block that shit too.
I went to go see my doctor about it and he told me I'm imagining it. That there is no physical precedent for this to be happening and if I was the only one noticing these things I'd probably just drop it. But I'm not. Every one that is around me long enough points it out. It is getting ridiculous. I think my personal magnetic field is all wonky, scientific term there, and that I fuck with the wavelengths and currents for whatever is needed for all of these things to work.
I'm not saying I've developed some sort of mutant power because it doesn't work all the the time. Just when it is the least convenient time possible.
Seriously fed up with technology these days.
PS. It took me 3 attempts to publish this.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I've recently learned that this has become a line guys have been using to try and get ladies. I don't get it. I mean, I get it as a guy but I also like to think I understand women. I'm sometimes wrong but I get by batting way over five hundred. The whole problem with announcing that your lonely to the woman you are trying to swoon is this. You sound pathetic. The guys brain is thinking "If she likes me and thinks I'm lonely she will automatically want to fix it." This is how a guy's brain works. It irritates women to no end how we always want to fix things. Women as a whole don't suffer these urges so "I'm lonely" has the opposite effect than you had hoped. She will probably be less inclined to come over and touch your man bits.
This got me to thinking, what would be a good line or thing to say/text to a woman to convey that you're interested in her and want her, like now. "I want to rock your body with orgasms till you weep." was the first thing to pop into my mind. It seems rather effective at conveying the general intent but lacking a certain finesse and unless you've already had some sexy time with said woman this is just going to come across as... hmm, let's see "rape-y".
There is the ever ready line "Want to come over and watch a movie?" I'm not going to lie and say I've never used it because I have. It has worked many times but it has also back fired almost as many times and ladies, that's just cruel. Nothing like sitting through the first half of "how to lose a guy in ten days" only to realize that your lady friend literally just came over to watch a movie. Ladies if a guy ever asks you to come over and watch a movie, he usually wants to touch your naughty bits. If you come over and sit as far away from him on the couch it is like setting a plate of cookies just out of the reach of a five year old. He may even cry a little. If you didn't want to even cuddle why the fuck did you come over. Watch a movie by your self at your own god damn house. Movie watching isn't exactly engaging.
So now I'm stumped. What would be a good straight forward, to avoid watching chick flicks, and non creeper way of telling a woman that you want to have sexy times with her. You could try being dapper, "By chance ,fair lady, would you like to go gallivanting in my chambers wearing naught but your bloomers?" I love it! I somehow don't think this would be particularly effective.
There is always the most straight forward way possible and it is kinda creepy but I mean if you think you're at a point where you think sex could happen then it should work. I can't claim in as my own but I've loved it ever since the show first aired. I wish they never cancelled it but Rocko from Undergrads may have said it best. "Can I offer you sex, in exchange for, sex?"
On a more personal note, my life has gotten back to some semblance of order and I actually have time to write and you know, think. I will be posting more often again. I can't promise it will be good but I will be posting. I of course owe a huge shout out to random girl for the soft core friday theme she started oh so long ago. I've also started a new writing project, a novel. I'm trying to decide if I should start a new blog space for it and to do a "Live write" Where everything I write just gets added to the blog every time I write something new. I think it would be interesting. I'll give you guys more details soon.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Hello again my lovely readers. I know these last six months I've been a terrible blogger. My life just hasn't been that interesting. I've been working 10 hour days and weekends. This is about to change, which means I'll have more time to do other things. Interesting things. Like go on a road trip. More on that later. It includes the reason as to why I hate guinea pigs too, so hold your horses.
The most exciting news, I guess, is I'm moving. Nothing huge just out of the place that I share with my sisters. This isn't me getting kicked out like every one I tell seems to automatically assume. No, this is a mutual thing. They approached me and asked if I would be willing to move out. We reached an arrangement that works financially and it looks like I'll be moving out at the end of September. I was rather excited. Then I started looking for a place. There is a way that I could scrape by and find a nice place for me, myself, and I but it doesn't look like I'll have any disposable income. That isn't fun. So I got to thinking. I could find a room mate. Sadly all my best mates have all moved into new places recently and have signed leases so I'm plum out of luck on living with a friend. I suppose I could live with a stranger.... woot. No. Been there done that filed for a restraining order and had him kicked out of university. Fun. No. I don't think I'd like to live with a stranger but it is still an option. The other option that popped into my measly little brain was live with a girlfriend. Fuck, I'm still single. So I sat down on my cloud rock (if anyone gets that reference you'll earn my undying respect) and realized I kind of already do have a girl with whom I could jump into that stage of relationship. The ex that I dated and have gone to see a couple times that moved back to BC to get away from the psychotic waste of oxygen that she had been dating. You know the one, I'll post links tomorrow when I am at work in the office and not writing this on my tablet laying in bed eating peanut butter toast. Classy, I know, and I'll hate myself around 3 am when a crumb scratches me and wakes me up. I kid, I'm OCD about my bed I only eat over the covers.
This leads to the road trip part of the post. I went to see her again to try and convince her to move back here to be with me and live happily ever after, or something like that. She reads this so everything in this post you know to be the truth. I'm not going to go into to much detail because I don't want to over share anything she doesn't necessarily want the world to know about. The trip was a lot of fun. She wasn't feeling all that up to snuff but I had a good time with her anyway. I could spend the rest of my life laying on a couch with her watching sponge Bob square pants and nothing else and I'd be happy. If that isn't love I don't know what is. Part of the reason I went to see her was because I missed her, part because she was a little sick, and part to gauge how likely she would be to move here.
When I got there I found out her roommate's kids have a pet guinea pig. You ever hear what one of those things sound like. I know the sound well. I hate it. The good thing was it was quiet at night. Little bastard tried to bite me too but that was my fault for putting my fingers in the cage.
I don't know if she is going to move here. I really have no clue. I hope she does. I do know that visiting her reminded me of how much I actually miss her.